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Eyes on the Enemy: Florida State football rival report

It comes once a year, is full of food and booze and intra-family arguments that end with calling your uncle racist: Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Florida State-Florida week is upon us, which means it’s time for one of my favorite traditions: revisiting Alligator Army’s preview of the 2013 edition of the game.

Specifically this paragraph:

If only I had a penny for every time FSU fans said, “No, guys, THIS time, we REALLY mean it. THIS is our year!” I’d be able to buy the Yankees. Florida fans do that, too, but the difference is, Florida, you know, actually does have national championship-type seasons every now and then.

FSU can win the ACC, and probably will, just like it did last year, but it’s never going to equate to success against any Florida team worth sneezing at. We saw the difference last year, and while the player names will change, the result will not. FSU is simply not an SEC-caliber school. Florida is going to bully FSU, and, coupled with an earlier win over Miami, will secure its second straight Florida Cup.

Ha, what a stupid idiot, making bold predictions and talking trash before a game, setting himself up for failure and ridicule when the opposite happens.

Anyways, Feleipe Franks looks like the devil in Tenacious D and is as talented at being a quarterback as he is at properly growing facial hair.

Let’s proceed!

Clemson

Clemson plays South Carolina, they’ll probably win, Trevor Lawrence was great in Night at the Museum, Dabo eats Play-Doh, but only if it’s cut up and shaped like a hamburger.

Y’all remember that one time that Tyler Murphy got smacked in the face with a football?


Seriously, classic stuff.

Clemson vs. South Carolina kicks off at 7 p.m., and is set to be broadcast on ESPN. A spread of 26.5 is currently in the Tigers’ favor.

Miami

The Hurricanes snapped their four-game losing skid against Virginia Tech last Saturday, putting themselves in perfect position to get blown out by Cincinnati in a bowl game. Manny Diaz, the second-most famous alumn of the Florida Flambeau (we all know number one) (it’s me) (guys seriously tell me that it’s me I really need this), got snubbed as a Broyles Award finalist, removing the last glimmer of hope that any sort of award would be bestowed upon this team.

Speaking of awards, did you know the last person to win a major college football award for Florida was Chas Henry? A punter? In 2010? (The person before was some dude named Aaron Hernandez.) That’s a beautiful piece of trivia right there.

Miami plays Pittsburgh in its season finale, with the game set to broadcast 3:30 p.m. on ESPN. A spread of 5 is currently in the Hurricanes’ favor.

Florida

Putting all jokes, jabs, and general nonsense aside, and outside of the fact that it’s the culmination of a season that’s been a poop-flavored thrown-up lollipop, how beautiful that 36 straight years of bowl games and 41 consecutive winning seasons comes down to the second-to-last weekend in November? Last season had similar implications, but with a game still to follow after. This year, it’s do-or-die, and it’s nerve-wracking, but it contains every bit of element that makes this game so special.

For the second year in a row, Florida State will face off against Feleipe Franks, who looks like the result of a goat making sweet, tender, passionate love to a six-year-old’s drawing of Klay Thompson. Franks is the La Croix of quarterbacks, in which he has all the indicators of something good, but in reality, is a fizz-filled gulp of nothingness. It’s beautiful that one of his lasting memories in a Florida uniform will be that of shushing his own crowd, because even they were sick and tired of his stinky self.

Dan Mullen, your dad’s cousin twice removed that for some reason you call your aunt’s creepy boyfriend she met on eHarmony because they both shared an interest in figurine collecting, will be looking to complete an yamazing first year at Florida, a feat he should achieve even with a loss to FSU, assuming he doesn’t bang a shark in the next two weeks.

There are bright spots on the team (big shouts to Jachai Polite, a Daytona kid), but overall, we might be looking at a stinkfest equivalent to 2011. All I ask for, which is all I ever ask for in situations like these, is hilarity, and I have a good feeling that we’ve got plenty of that in store.

Unless there’s a need, this will probably be the last time this year that you’ve endured 700 words of idioicy simply to feed your addiction to content that’s anything even remotely associated with Florida State football, and so in that case, it’s been a pleasure. It’s been a trying last two years, but I’d like to think I’ve played a part in easing the pain procured by them, namely by providing a product even worse than the one that’s been witnessed on the field. It’s been an honor, pleasure, and a whole bunch of other adjectives that I’m too lazy to copy and paste from my Google search, and I’m looking forward to continuing my stupidity in other avenues as the new year comes in, and hopefully in this space again next year. Until then, godspeed, happy Thanksgiving, long live Cason Beatty, and Trevor Lawrence looks like Celia from Monster’s Inc.

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Questions? Comments? Trash talk? Leave ‘em below, and keep on rocking in the free world.

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